Foolish mortals…don’t watch this movie.
As a child, nothing produced more envy in my young soul than knowing that someone else owned a VHS copy of a movie that I didn’t own and desperately wanted. I can’t tell you how many times I seriously considered slipping someone else’s copy of Pokémon 3: The Movie (2000), Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) or The Princess Diaries (2001) into my backpack and taking it home with me. By the way, check out my review for that last movie, here. Even though it wasn’t necessarily one of my favourites, a movie I coveted for years was The Haunted Mansion (2003). Probably because it’s a decent blend of family silliness and spooky aesthetics, a combination that I remain an avid fan of to this day. While young Luke really may have wanted to own a copy of The Haunted Mansion, adult Luke is fine without one. This movie isn’t terrible but the complete lack of genuine scares or laughs makes it a failure as a horror-comedy in my book.
Based on the Disneyland attraction of the same name, The Haunted Mansion tells the story of Jim and Sarah Evers, a married couple of realtors who along with their young children end up staying the night in the cursed Gracey Mansion. To escape with their lives the Evers family must uncover the secret behind the mansion’s hauntings.
Oddly enough, this movie was released the same year as another movie based on a Disneyland attraction, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003). While one of these theme park rides turned movies went on to spawn a multi-billion, internationally-beloved franchise, one was swiftly forgotten by a majority of the public. I’ll give you a second to guess which is which. It’s a shame because in a sense, the tools for success were laid out for The Haunted Mansion. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl had already shown how surprisingly successful a movie based on a Disneyland ride could be, Eddie Murphy who was deep into his family comedy era in 2003 was cast as the lead and Rob Minkoff, co-director of Disney mega-hit The Lion King (1994), was directing. By the way, check out my review for that movie, here.
By far the most successful element of The Haunted Mansion is the production design. Make no mistake, that is to be commended. The talented set dressers deserve a hearty round of applause because they nailed it. The set they designed is EXACTLY what comes to mind when you think of, “old spooky haunted mansion.” Stay with me, but in a minuscule way The Haunted Mansion reminds me of movies like The Mummy (1999) and Van Helsing (2004). It’s nowhere near as exciting, entertaining or beloved but the subtle horror, well-established eerie atmosphere and well-done practical effects and sets are reminiscent of those movies. Much like a theme park ride, the visuals make The Haunted Mansion a wonderfully fun and creepy movie to look at. I just wish the story were as captivating as the visuals.
The Haunted Mansion is such a short, uneventful, unsuccessful story. The movie only clocks in at around 80 minutes and the first 40 are spent meandering around not really doing anything particularly spooky or fun. Basic plot elements and potentially intriguing storylines are laid out and hinted at but never fully explored or resolved. Or explained, frankly. How did so many people die at the Gracey estate? Why was Edward learning the truth about Elizabeth’s murder the key to breaking the curse? Why is Ramsley seemingly capable of performing magic and summoning a fire dragon that snatches him and drags him to Hell? I’m sure that ending didn’t traumatize any children who were laughing at singing busts and cookie-eating ghosts a minute ago. The ending is completely anticlimactic but then again it’s not like the rest of the movie was leading up to anything worthwhile. I would have loved to grow up in a world where The Haunted Mansion succeeded but both the scares and jokes are too childish even for little kids. Which is saying a lot considering this is literally based on a theme park attraction at a family amusement park. Hey, at least the score is pretty great!
The best part of the movie is undoubtedly the search for the key in the crypt. If the entire movie had this level of tension, adventure and genuine spookiness than I firmly believe that it could have been a beloved success, finding an audience of horror fans who would really appreciate it. I’m even going to go out on a limb and say that 2003’s The Haunted Mansion features some of my all-time favourite movie zombies. Well, favourite designed at least. Probably because special make-up effects creator Rick Baker, who’s worked on everything from Star Wars (1977) to An American Werewolf in London (1981) to Hellboy (2004) came up with positively chilling zombie designs. What makes them even more fantastically terrifying is that each zombie is played by a real actor in perfectly-applied make-up. Damn, I really wish the zombies had more to do in this movie than show up for two minutes and then quickly be run away from. The brief appearance of the zombies isn’t the only wasted opportunity in The Haunted Mansion. It’s a testament to the comedic talent of the fabulous Jennifer Tilly that she steals the show as a disembodied head in a crystal ball. Madame Leota may not be the character with the most screentime, but she sure makes the most of the limited time she does get.
For years I went back and forth on whether or not I liked The Haunted Mansion. Well, I can now firmly say that while I enjoy the aesthetics of the movie, the rest of it just simply isn’t up to par. But hey, surely Disney won’t wait something ridiculous like 20 years to try making a Haunted Mansion movie again and end up failing even more spectacularly, right? Right?
Have you seen The Haunted Mansion?
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