This royally sucked.
When I first saw the trailer for The Royal Treatment (2022) I just knew I had to review this inevitable mess. The way my jaw dropped to the floor at the horrendous Brooklyn accent star Laura Marano had the gaul and audacity to put on… As someone who just binge-watched The Nanny (1993 -1999) and absolutely adored it, I will not stand for this rip-off Fran Drescher accent that does nothing but disrespect not only New York as a city, but as a state as well. I am not being hyperbolic at all when I implore you to just go watch literally any given episode of The Nanny. Literally any frame of any episodes possesses infinitely more charm, comedy and romance than any part of The Royal Treatment.
The Royal Treatment follows Izzy, a New York hairdresser who ends up cutting the hair of the charming Prince Thomas of Lavania. Afterwards she winds up getting the chance to do the hair and makeup for his upcoming wedding. Sparks soon fly between Izzy and Thomas and each must question what they really want out of life.
I swear to whatever higher power that you believe in that I was less than two minutes into this movie before I declared it an absolute mess. I started watching this movie at 2:30 in the afternoon and it took all the strength I had to endure the next hour and a half of this movie without a cocktail. Good Lord, I wish I had been drunk while watching this movie. In fact, getting drunk should be a prerequisite when it comes to watching The Royal Treatment. The movie is by no means “so bad it’s good.” I wish it were! Unfortunately it’s just “so bad it’s bad.” The Royal Treatment is so abysmal that the only way to get through it, the only way I can recommend it, is if you gather your friends, get super drunk and scream at the drab, maddening ridiculousness.
I never thought I’d see the day but this is the most blatant Hallmark-y movie ever put out by Netflix. You could skip every 10 minutes of the movie and still know exactly what’s happening and what’s going to happen next. Overflowing with tired clichés and one predictable turn after another, I have to sincerely ask: Did a 12-year-old write this? If that’s the case, I think their nine-year-old sibling was hired as the director. The production of and performances in The Royal Treatment are so atrocious that it honestly feels like the cast and the crew set out to actively make the most cringeworthy, laughable and emotionally shallow movie imaginable. This movie could have leaned into the clichés and been silly fun but instead tries so hard to be earnest that it comes across as heavy-handed and dumb. I think I have honestly seen wildly superior filmmaking, acting, directing and writing in the entirety of the High School Musical (2006 – 2008) trilogy than in any one scene of The Royal Treatment.
No aspect of The Royal Treatment is subtle. It is incredibly on the nose with how much it wants to convince you that “rich people are always fancy, mean and impersonal and poor people are always fun, nice and personable.” Seriously, the amount of times Izzy scoffs at Thomas for how uptight his upbringing as a PRINCE was and the amount of times Thomas comments on how refreshingly honest Izzy is are both far too much. When she is appalled because he doesn’t know how many gardeners work at his PALACE I’m like, ‘you’re doing too much, movie.” Ugh, I wanted to throw up from how sweet and righteous The Royal Treatment strives to be. I’m all for considerate characters but when that’s their sole personality trait, you can tell that the screenwriter was more concerned with creating someone likeable rather than relatable which should never be the case in my opinion. I wanted to throw up from how sugary sweet this movie makes itself out to be. Marano’s first scene as Izzy is of her delivering baked goods to children form the youth centre and when told she doesn’t need to feed them, she responds with, “Sure I do, I’m Italian!” Oh the references to Izzy being Italian…they are as plentiful as they are unnecessary.
I have a very rocky relationship with Laura Marano since seeing her in the horrific The Perfect Date (2019). By the way, check out my review for that movie, here. I won’t mince words here: Her acting and her accent are truly horrendous. Unfortunately I quickly discovered that there are MULTIPLE terrible accents in The Royal Treatment in MULTIPLE dialects. Marano’s is by far the worst though. Why bother with a God-awful Brooklyn accent if she clearly can’t do it? Why, The Royal Treatment, WHY?! She even goes as far as to say to an actual English person on the phone, “Who is this, Carlos? Your fake accent is terrible!” Is the movie making a tongue in cheek joke or just obliviously stupid? I’m going to go with obliviously stupid because eventually Izzy’s salon catches on fire and not one but two of her employees decided to film it rather than trying to put it out. Then again, these are the characters that the movie believed to be the funniest comedy relief ever seen and they were absolutely not. Unless you find idiotic screaming and constant talking over each other to be hilarious.
I feel so bad for the cast of this movie. Not only because not a single one of them has any chemistry with anyone else involved, but also because you just know that Netflix is going to lock them in to make The Royal Treatment 2 and The Royal Treatment 3. Oh, you know it’s going to happen. Don’t believe me? I just saw the trailer for Tall Girl 2 (2022). Netflix clearly has money to burn. If movies such as this are what pass for the royal treatment, I’m more than happy being a peasant.
Have you seen The Royal Treatment?
Let me know in the comments or on social media!